i dont think im scared any more

i am not scared any more.

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i just had the most powerful walk in a while. ive been bed ridden for nearly a week. and from nowhere i got better. then today went for a walk and after a hour and half i realised. i am not scared any more.┬áim not scared of people, what they may say to me, how i might react, what they think of me, how i feel about them, how they will affect my life, how they could change me or my path, of their good sides and their bads. im not scared of money, of work, of purpose, of lack of purpose. im not scared what im doing with my life or where i am going. im not scared to travel to the opposite side of the world and drop myself alone in the middle of nowhere to start my life again. my life didnt ever really stop. i had just gotten so used to being scared. everything was a threat. i had my defenses up. he put them up. and ive let them go. i dont know what happened. or why today….ok i have some inclings, but in order to get this out im not gonna go on and on and into it. i just have to acknowledge this. today i know what it feels like to not be scared of anything again. i dont need to live on the defensive. i just need to live the life of the person i want to be and to be seen the way i want to be seen, all i need to do is act the way i believe in.

starting

i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially.

i am just going to write. right now i have nothing to write. but i dont see any other way out from where my life is at the moment. i have nothing else to offer except my stories, experiences and opinions. i need a creative output and dont know where to start. i have a lot of ideas. but i havent followed through with any of them for a long time. i have been stagnant now for two years. that suprises me. i thought it was longer since my world fell apart. and if it has only been two years, then i have actually done a lot more with that time than i have been feeling. but instead of my life gearing up towards something, i have been getting further and further from a sustainable existance. when i was so far from ok that i couldnt see myself surviving another day, i knew i was going through something and that i mentally and physically couldnt do anything. but now i feel i am almost back to zero. my mental health is stabilizing, my sense of self is returning, as is my fearlessness and desire to do something with my life. but i am at 0. i have nothing.

i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. i have $12,000 saved up from the last 4 months of caring for my nan and some stocks my parents have given me. so basically a hand out from my mom, which i greatly appreciate, but without, have no idea if id even have 1/10th of that saved. i plan to move back to america in june and use this money to buy a van i can live in on the road, travelling and staying where i please. ive wanted this for a few years. it was part of the original plan that fell apart 2 years ago. but now, in the middle of may, faced with the reality of being dropped in the middle of no where, with nothing, no one, no plan and no desire to “work” in the traditional sense, i am terrified. being at zero here i am safe. im at home. i have my family all very close by. i have been sharing a home with someone for 5 months. before that i lived here in my own flat for 5 months, but i was in the same city as my family for the first time in 13 years. i basically havent been alone in a long time. and i have been feeling that this journey is going to require that. and choosing to be alone is scary.