i am just going to write. right now i have nothing to write. but i dont see any other way out from where my life is at the moment. i have nothing else to offer except my stories, experiences and opinions. i need a creative output and dont know where to start. i have a lot of ideas. but i havent followed through with any of them for a long time. i have been stagnant now for two years. that suprises me. i thought it was longer since my world fell apart. and if it has only been two years, then i have actually done a lot more with that time than i have been feeling. but instead of my life gearing up towards something, i have been getting further and further from a sustainable existance. when i was so far from ok that i couldnt see myself surviving another day, i knew i was going through something and that i mentally and physically couldnt do anything. but now i feel i am almost back to zero. my mental health is stabilizing, my sense of self is returning, as is my fearlessness and desire to do something with my life. but i am at 0. i have nothing.
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. i have $12,000 saved up from the last 4 months of caring for my nan and some stocks my parents have given me. so basically a hand out from my mom, which i greatly appreciate, but without, have no idea if id even have 1/10th of that saved. i plan to move back to america in june and use this money to buy a van i can live in on the road, travelling and staying where i please. ive wanted this for a few years. it was part of the original plan that fell apart 2 years ago. but now, in the middle of may, faced with the reality of being dropped in the middle of no where, with nothing, no one, no plan and no desire to “work” in the traditional sense, i am terrified. being at zero here i am safe. im at home. i have my family all very close by. i have been sharing a home with someone for 5 months. before that i lived here in my own flat for 5 months, but i was in the same city as my family for the first time in 13 years. i basically havent been alone in a long time. and i have been feeling that this journey is going to require that. and choosing to be alone is scary.