Sometimes I just use Tinder to try out the funniest ways I can hit on a guy.
After all the changes of plans and road blocks I have faced already I am gonna step back from sharing on social media and stop thinking of this as my time to be making art. I want to keep my own diary. And I want to settle into this lifestyle. I'm going to do proper hikes. And that's about it. Do all the free things. Just keep doing. Lighten up again. I want to react like a reasonable human. Not let my BPD react for me. I think I want to just be a normal person for a while. Haha a normal abnormal.
stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk:
It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He made me hate myself as much as he hated me. He gave me his eyes. I’ve been seeing myself and the world through his eyes. 3 years ago exactly to the day I moved in with him. Today. I can see again. I’ve got my eyes back. It’s the only way to describe it. I can see myself and everything I’ve ever done, that I’ve spent the last 3 years apologizing for and believing made me a bad person, who had been through and awful experience and had always been a victim. But with my eyes, the person I was before him, I am so so so happy. I am elated.I’m on my knees in a Forrest. Crying my eyes out. Over the realization that I have had exactly the life I’ve wanted and done everything I wanted and had a fucking great time doing it. And even with him. I did what I wanted by marring him and as soon as I realized what had happened to me, I got the hell away from him. That was strong, powerful. And right. I am everything I wish to be. I am the person I want to be. I am so proud of my achievements no matter how outside the box and fucking A moral they are. Cause that is who I am! I am not afraid of my sexuality and my otherness. They are who I am, what I stand for and what I live, love and die by. He threatened that. He even took it away for the last 3 years. But I am back. I can see again!
Edit: and now I just posted this , I am calm and content. Happy and relaxed. I feel whole.
i want to be a sex professional. i want to help people with any sexual queries they may have and come up with sexual solutions to their problems. i want to help couples who aren’t sexually compatible be happy, practically and conceptually. i want to help people reach their sexual goals and fantasies. i want to teach people who want to know more, about sexual acts, naked confidence, sexual exploration and the ways it can all improve your general confidence and well being. i want to help people not feel ashamed about sex, sexuality and fetishes and bring it out of the shadows as and acceptable part of everyone’s life and being a well rounded human. i don’t want sex to hold anyone back or make their life’s difficult. i want to encourage sexual honesty, for yourself, your current and your future partners.
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially.
i am just going to write. right now i have nothing to write. but i dont see any other way out from where my life is at the moment. i have nothing else to offer except my stories, experiences and opinions. i need a creative output and dont know where to start. i have a lot of ideas. but i havent followed through with any of them for a long time. i have been stagnant now for two years. that suprises me. i thought it was longer since my world fell apart. and if it has only been two years, then i have actually done a lot more with that time than i have been feeling. but instead of my life gearing up towards something, i have been getting further and further from a sustainable existance. when i was so far from ok that i couldnt see myself surviving another day, i knew i was going through something and that i mentally and physically couldnt do anything. but now i feel i am almost back to zero. my mental health is stabilizing, my sense of self is returning, as is my fearlessness and desire to do something with my life. but i am at 0. i have nothing.
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. i have $12,000 saved up from the last 4 months of caring for my nan and some stocks my parents have given me. so basically a hand out from my mom, which i greatly appreciate, but without, have no idea if id even have 1/10th of that saved. i plan to move back to america in june and use this money to buy a van i can live in on the road, travelling and staying where i please. ive wanted this for a few years. it was part of the original plan that fell apart 2 years ago. but now, in the middle of may, faced with the reality of being dropped in the middle of no where, with nothing, no one, no plan and no desire to “work” in the traditional sense, i am terrified. being at zero here i am safe. im at home. i have my family all very close by. i have been sharing a home with someone for 5 months. before that i lived here in my own flat for 5 months, but i was in the same city as my family for the first time in 13 years. i basically havent been alone in a long time. and i have been feeling that this journey is going to require that. and choosing to be alone is scary.