17th December

im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health issues. i didnt know how i would feel from one minute to the next, let alone, days or weeks away. i didnt know why i was feeling the way i was, or if it would ever stop or go away. i could barely exist for almost three years. id have days where i would feel like a normal person, happy, optimistic, id make plans, id feel like i knew who i was somewhat, in that moment. but then out of nowhere i could end up in bed, hysterically crying, panicking and really not knowing if id make it through the next 30 minutes. i felt like a spaceman whos line had been cut and was drifting into the nothingness of space, disconnected from reality and slipping further and further away.

i dont want to cut a long story short, but my journey out of that isnt the point right now, so i will just say that over the past year with many daily hours of deep work on myself, the fear, uncertainty and unfamiliarity with myself has faded. i didnt think id ever be able to just be me and be happy. i didnt think id ever know who i was or why i was the way i was. so the understandings of myself, who i am, what i want in life, what i believe of life and how i am choosing to live it, that i am having now, are even more exciting and important to me than they could ever have been. i was mentally and emotionally at rock bottom. i used to be so sure of myself, so passionate, so me. not only does the fact that ive come so far embolden me, but the fact that what has emerged as my passions, beliefs, interests, morals, future plans and vision of my future, all line up with and are richer more developed versions of where i was 4 years ago. maybe i needed to be knocked down in order to learn the strength of my passion and belief in my life path. it is not a easy one and i am going to have to be strong. but it sure is exciting for me at the moment. it is even more important for me to be true to myself, now i have a deeper understanding of, and connection to, who i am and how to keep developing myself.

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