4/5th December

There really isnt anything like the feeling i am getting now i am starting to understand and love myself. i know who i am. I see who i have been. i know what i like. i know where i am right now. i am greater than the sum of my parts. there are no parts. its all me. all the things ive been, the lives ive lead and experiences ive had arent all past, obsolete, different people. they are all in me. i am everything i have learnt and done. i am more experienced now than i have ever been as i am just older than i have ever been. but now i can draw it all together and know my self better than ever and welcome back into the present, all the girls i said goodbye to, or never felt connected with in the past, have all come back inside my brain and are me. i felt so lost and confused before. i felt as if my life was a series of disjointed, unconected events that could often conflict with everything i thought previous to that new experience. i felt like i had been lots of different people and that once one was gone, they were no longer part of me. not something to draw from and learn from. but to discard and then start again from scratch in a totally different way. once i got to the point where i knew i couldnt make the same mistakes again i have been working to learn from past me’s. learn who i am. what i like. what i really want. what actually makes me happy. what i really need. what my priorities are. to find out what it is like to be me. to just exist. with nothing. to sit, still inside and out and to be content. i have stripped my life down. and i am happier than ever.

i love myself. i knew that was a big part of becoming who i wanted to be and what i have been consciously working on for the past couple of years. i have to be me forever. i had to be honest with myself about who i am really, the dark parts, and see how i felt about that person. instead of changing the parts of myself that i have found uncomfortable and been battling with my whole life, i learnt to understand, forgive, accept and eventually love those parts of me as much as all the stuff ive been ok with all along.

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