12th December

i havent finished any of my writing in the past few weeks so i havent posted anything. i was sick for a couple of weeks after san fran and it threw me off. and im also driving across the country for the first time so a lot of my brain is being taken up just taking in all the sights and new information and driving. i just parked at rutherford beach in Louisiana. its beautiful. white sand, lapping waves, oil rigs on the horizon and no one around. i came down here to try to earn some money on webcam and do some writing and just be settled somewhere for a couple of days. ive driven 2500 over the last 4 weeks and havent stayed in the same place for more than 2 nights. i just want to stop!!! Bus life is about being able to travel but i havent stopped driving since i got her. i am exhausted. the plan was to settle down into a routine of going off to a spot for a week or two then moving via a town to pick up supplies and interact with people. this has not happened. ive also decided exactly how i want my life to be now in terms of making money, where i want to spend my time, how to use my money, basically how to have the life i have wanted for a long time. i got side tract from it for the past few years but i know what i want again now. but i have to wait a few months before i can put it in to practice. which is very frustrating for me. because im all about immediate gratification. i act on my ideas. i dont wait and plan. so im feeling a bit frustrated and trapped. i dont like not being able to do what i want, when i want. which is why i chose this life style. anyway. despite feeling frustrated and trapped i am super excited about it and really looking forward to things getting even better in the future. i really, really want this life i have planned. its not far from what i have right now and its nothing i havent done before, except in different places. it encompasses so much of what is important to me in life. i feel like i have a talent, a calling and passion for something that can make my life the way i want it, while pursuing all the things that matter to me in life. i would be living authentically as myself, completely true to myself. Authenticity and Wisdom are the things i pursue in life. More so than money, material things or relationships. I am trying to gain it through self-awareness and observation of experiences i have, of myself, of the world, and other people. Stretching myself to understand more every day. i want to experience everything and understanding myself to the point where i can operate most authentically as myself within the world in a way that best serves how i choose to live, but with a deep understanding of how the world operates around me and for other people. im pretty excited to earn money in a way i believe in again! from the last 6 months ive found i dont need money for stuff. if i earn money again i dont want more things. i just want to collect it so i have it for when i want to do things. i want to use money as a facilitator. the simplicity of my life doesnt need to change. but it can get easier. it would actually be simpler. i wouldnt have to worry about how i would make money for the things i really need, like i do now.

 

i think ive started to feel uncomfortable with what i am writing because i fluctuate on how open i want to be, how all-encompassing, whether i should separate things out, keep things to myself, censor what i write. who am i writing it for and what am i saying it for. i want it to be for me. but it is so hard to let go of the worry of judgement. of who i am, how i live, what i do, how i write, what i say, that i even say anything out loud. i have to battle between the ego and the artist when i am writing. the artist wants authenticity, the ego wants to be liked. the artist wants to show it all, hold it up for inspection. the ego wants to show things in their best light. the artist doesnt want feedback and just wants to create for herself. the ego needs reassurance, acceptance and a positive reception from others. i guess ive always enjoyed saying things i shouldnt and being the odd one out.

im going to log onto skype in a bit, after ive had a walk, to see if i can make any money any more. i only really want to do Domme shows at the moment. i am totally over faking my enjoyment for men and i dont enjoy most of the stuff i have to do on cam any more. i would much rather just do things in real life. cam for me is authentic and enjoyable when i get to do roleplay and domination. i enjoy watching and controlling, not performing. but most people want me to perform for them on webcam, thats the nature of it. so i have to accept i wont make money easily like this. which i have, as i know i have a better plan lined up! i should stop writing, so a, i finish a piece. and b, so i can actually try to do some work!

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