i can see again

stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk:
It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He made me hate myself as much as he hated me. He gave me his eyes. I’ve been seeing myself and the world through his eyes. 3 years ago exactly to the day I moved in with him. Today. I can see again. I’ve got my eyes back. It’s the only way to describe it. I can see myself and everything I’ve ever done, that I’ve spent the last 3 years apologizing for and believing made me a bad person, who had been through and awful experience and had always been a victim. But with my eyes, the person I was before him, I am so so so happy. I am elated.I’m on my knees in a Forrest. Crying my eyes out. Over the realization that I have had exactly the life I’ve wanted and done everything I wanted and had a fucking great time doing it. And even with him. I did what I wanted by marring him and as soon as I realized what had happened to me, I got the hell away from him. That was strong, powerful. And right. I am everything I wish to be. I am the person I want to be. I am so proud of my achievements no matter how outside the box and fucking A moral they are. Cause that is who I am! I am not afraid of my sexuality and my otherness. They are who I am, what I stand for and what I live, love and die by. He threatened that. He even took it away for the last 3 years. But I am back. I can see again!
Edit: and now I just posted this , I am calm and content. Happy and relaxed. I feel whole.

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